Tuesday, January 19, 2010

on divorce and worry

I've been reading one of those books on the stages of grief as they relate to divorce. There is a lot of stuff in there that is true and helpful. Still, I can't help but find a bit laughable the notion that they can capture "stages" that describe what divorce is like for people.

Take me. At heart, I can be something of a worrier. And so, I find that the emotion most prevalent as I navigate this strange world of divorce is...(drum roll please)...worry.

My mind seems to have an almost endless creativity in finding things to worry about. I worry about whether I'm at fault for what happened. I worry about whether I'm being kind enough to Meg. I worry about whether I'm being kind enough to myself. I worry about how all of this is going to affect the kids. I worry about all manner of choices related to the divorce...from the bank I chose for refinancing the mortgage to my decision to stay in the home rather than move away. I worry about finding love again. I worry about whether my heart will heal enough to be open to it.

The worry itself, of course, really shouldn't surprise anyone. Worriers, when faced with stress...worry. It's as close to a psychological truism as they come.

Part of what I find intriguing about the worry, though, is that logic seems to have little power over it. I know that most of these worries are untrue or exaggerated. But knowing this logically has little power over worry. Indeed, worry seems to respond to this by worrying about why on earth I would have so many illogical worries.

No, worry seems to respond better to a kind of inner gentleness, to acceptance, to kindness. I pray that I might remember to bring that attitude to myself, to Meg, and to our boys in the days to come.

6 comments:

Magdalene6127 said...

Holding you in prayer during this painful time, Steve. Do you have someone you can talk to about all this-- a therapist of your own, for example? So early in the process, but I know it was essential for me to have a safe space to grieve and rage where it wouldn't affect the kids or my leaving spouse.

I did not know you had chosen to stay in the house. That sounds extremely challenging, and I wonder if that is a long term option or a "for now" adaptation.

Peace, friend.

週休二日 said...

I love readding, and thanks for your artical.........................................

健康保寶 said...

以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告........................................

天氣晴朗 said...

想像是什麼並不重要,想像能做什麼才重要..................................................

Katherine E. said...

Hi Steve,

Gosh, I'm so sorry that I've been away from blogging for so long. It feels strange, even though we don't 'know' each other, to find out that you, who I so like and respect, have been going through this grief for so many months and I didn't even know it. I'm so sorry. Although my prayers have been lagging, they are now in full force (by that I just mean that I'm holding you and your boys in my heart and praying for peace and wisdom and a sense of God's healing love).
Shalom,
Katherine

steve said...

Katherine,

Thank you, my friend.